


I loved and I loved and I lost you

by Imnotnotfandomtrash



Series: Like Real People Do [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Character Death, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Domestic Fluff, I'm Sorry, M/M, Memory Loss, Not Beta Read, but not for long, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 08:52:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19247875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imnotnotfandomtrash/pseuds/Imnotnotfandomtrash
Summary: *Title based on the song Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie*Heaven and Hell were bound to find out that, they are not invincible, eventually.The Russian Translation can be found here: https://ficbook.net/readfic/8431366





	I loved and I loved and I lost you

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic is angst.  
> TW: Brief panic attack, brief suicidal thoughts  
> Please be safe and read at your own risk.  
> Russian Translation: https://ficbook.net/readfic/8431366

Crowley always knew that their little scheme wouldn’t last forever. Heaven or Hell would find out eventually and when one, or Satan forbid, both, finds out, there would be… well, hell to pay. 

 

It’s not that their scheme didn’t last long. It did. Aziraphale and he moved into a cottage near Anathema and Newt. Adam insisted that they all spend time together since they all had parts in stopping Armageddon. Both sides left them alone. Long enough to see Anathema and Newt get married. Long enough to see the Them graduate secondary school and university. Long enough for they, themselves, to get married. They decided not in a church, though. 

 

(The wedding was planned mostly by Anathema and Adam, the self-pronounced maid-of-honor and best man.) 

 

So, while their little plot lasted quite a while, it would not last forever, as nothing ever does. 

 

\-------------------

 

Crowley will admit, it took both him and Aziraphale awhile to realize anything was wrong. It was little things at first. Aziraphale would forget tiny things like where he left his book that he was reading at the time or to put more bird seed in their bird feeders outside. (Crowley was against the bird feeders but he was weak and would do anything to make his angel happy.) Neither of them thought much on it and carried on as usual. 

 

It was when they went to dinner in London one evening that Crowley thought, maybe they  _ should _ be concerned. 

 

They were talking about Adam’s new girlfriend, Olivia, and their thoughts on her, quite normally. 

“No, I think she’s quite alright for... “ Aziraphale trailed off. 

 

“Adam?” Crowley finished. 

 

Recognition lit up in the angel’s eyes and he nodded, “Yes, Adam. I could not remember his name for the life of me.” Aziraphale laughed but there was worry that snuck its way in the joyous sound. 

 

Crowley frowned, “Are you alright, angel?” His sunglasses tilted on his nose as he peered at Aziraphale. 

 

The blonde nodded, “Yes, of course, why wouldn’t I be?” 

 

The angel was never really good at lying to Crowley. 

 

\-------------------

 

Aziraphale had been out with Newt while Crowley had stayed with Anathema when the question was asked. 

 

“Do you think angels can get Alzheimer's or something like that?” 

 

This question obviously took the witch by surprise. She set down her teacup and gave Crowley a curious look. “I wouldn’t think so. I thought angels and demons are immune to human diseases and such. Why do you ask?”

 

“Angel- Aziraphale, I mean, he’s been forgetting a lot recently. At first, it was small things like the keys but the other day… he forgot Adam’s name.” Crowley hesitated, maybe he’s just overreacting. 

 

Anathema bit her bottom lip, “That is odd. I’ll look into it for you.” 

 

\-------------------

 

Later, when Aziraphale was still out, Crowley returned home. The first thing he noticed was the lights were on. This put Crowley immediately on edge, for he was certain they were not on when he left. He opened the door and went straight into the dining room where Gabriel and Beelzebub were sitting. 

  
Gabriel stood up and smiled without any warmth, “Crowley, is it? Please, have a seat.” 

 

Crowley, as it is, did not sit. “What the fuck are you two half-wits doing in my house?” 

 

“We have some information regarding that angel of yours. Have a seat.” Beelzebub echoed Gabriel and Crowley felt his breath hitch. He sat. 

 

“How long did you two think you could fool us? That little trick of yours, it was impressive but did you really think it was going to last forever?” Gabriel's voice was ice as he sat back down.

 

_ No.  _ Crowley thought bitterly but he stayed quiet. 

 

“Actions like this must be punished. You two refused death so we needed to be more… creative.” Crowley wished he could blast that smirk off of Beelzebub’s face. 

 

“Aziraphale’s memory is something he quite treasures. That is why we are taking it from him. Slowly. He won’t remember small things but as time progresses, so will his memory loss. He’ll forget stopping Armageddon, he’ll forget being an angel. He’ll forget his friends and family. He’ll forget you.” Gabriel’s words burned and Crowley knew he should be pissed off but he needed to remember how to breathe again before he could do that. 

 

“You can’t fix it. It’ll cause pain that’s… what’s that word you two like so much, oh right, ineffable.”

 

“Maybe you should’ve accepted death when you had the chance.” Beelzebub sneered but Crowley’s vision was blurring and his face was wet and he was shaking. By the time he could see again, the angel and the demon were gone. 

 

\-------------------

 

“Angel, we need to talk.” Crowley was sitting on their couch in the sunroom, Aziraphale opened a window. 

 

It’s been about three days since the incident. The sun was shining, birds were chirping and Crowley was going to tell the love of his life the worst news he’s ever received. 

 

Aziraphale sat next to his husband and smiled, “Yes, my dear?” 

 

Crowley didn’t know how to say it but he decided blunt and to the point couldn’t fail. He explained it. What Gabriel and Beelzebub told him and as he went on, Zira’s smile turned to a frown and when Crowley finished, he nodded.

 

“Yes, I know. Micheal came down and told me about it two weeks ago.” The angel said in an even voice. 

 

This made Crowley upset. “You didn’t think to tell me?” He all but hissed. 

 

Aziraphale guiltily looked away, “I didn’t want you to worry.”

“If Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbass didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t have known. You would’ve forgotten about me and I-” Crowley’s voice betrayed him. It cracked and his throat tightened. 

His husband took his hand and looked at him, “We can’t solve it. Surely they told you that.” 

 

“You can’t seriously be giving up, angel,” Crowley said incredulously, “I can’t… I won’t lose you that easily.” 

 

“We’ll come up with something but I’m afraid it won’t last,” Aziraphale said, kissing a stray tear that managed to escape Crowley’s right eye. 

 

“I don’t care. We’ll make something that’ll last.” Aziraphale realized Crowley won’t let this go, so he just nodded. 

 

\-------------------

 

They started to put sticky notes on things. Just small reminders like ‘We’re going out with Pepper, Brian, Wensleydale, and Adam on Friday’ or ‘The password for your laptop is Crepes1793’, casual things that Aziraphale may be prone to forgetting. 

 

This, unfortunately, will only work for the next decade. 

 

\-------------------

 

The Them have all been married by now. Anathema and Newt are on their second baby. Crowley has been writing a note every morning for Aziraphale. Only a brief one, just explaining where he’s at and who Crowley is.

 

Aziraphale started questioning where he was at a few years back and the first time he asked who Crowley was, was at 5:56 in the morning on May 1, 2032.

Crowley had panicked and rambled on about who he was. Aziraphale remembered pretty quickly but Crowley just couldn't stop talking and Aziraphale had to calm him down. 

 

A note seems to make Aziraphale remember everything normally but sometimes it doesn’t work and Crowley gets woken up by a frantic angel at too fucking early o’clock just to explain what was happening. 

 

It was happening more often now.

 

Crowley is worried. 

 

\-------------------

 

On October 27, 2067, Aziraphale moves out. He doesn’t remember anymore and Crowley scares him. 

 

It was almost a year later now and Crowley watches Aziraphale but never interacts. His angel, the one he’s loved for 6,000 years, doesn’t want anything to do with him and it crushes Crowley.

 

Beelzebub had shown up a week ago telling Crowley his immortality had been taken away. That he had a month to live. That he was mortal now. That was okay. Crowley didn’t want to live if Aziraphale didn’t want him in his life.

 

Crowley needed to hear it though. Zira had moved back to the bookshop and Crowley needed to hear him one more time. 

 

\-------------------

 

Crowley went to the bookshop two days before the day he will die. Aziraphale looked up from his desk and froze. He put down whatever book he’d been invested in and rushed over to Crowley.

 

“You,” He said, voice tense, “I woke up to you a while back.”

 

“Yes,” Crowley tried his hardest to keep his voice even, “Sorry, I just was looking for a book. Or a play more like it. Do you happen to have  _ Hamlet _ ?” Crowley knew the answer to this question.  _ Hamlet  _ was on the bookshelf in the furthest corner from the entrance, on the fourth shelf from the bottom, the third book in, that is, going left to right. 

 

His angel nodded, “Yes, I do, actually.” And he leads Crowley to the furthest bookshelf from the entrance and grabs  _ Hamlet  _ right from where the demon knew it was. Aziraphale handed it to him. “You enjoy Shakespeare?”

 

Crowley smiled softly, “My husband and I went to see  _ Hamlet _  years and years ago.” 

 

Aziraphale’s expression did not change as he led Crowley to the register, “Is this for your husband then?” His fingers brushed over the snake of Eden’s wedding ring and Crowley noticed the angel was still wearing his own wedding ring as well. 

 

“I lost my husband,” Crowley whispered this in hopes that Aziraphale would not hear but he did and his face filled with pity. 

 

“I’m so sorry to hear it.” And Crowley felt deja-vu because only Aziraphale would apologize for his own “death” twice. 

 

Aziraphale handed the book over and said, “Have a nice evening.” Crowley waved. It wasn’t an ideal encounter but it could’ve gone worse.

 

\-------------------

Two days later, Crowley didn’t wake up. 

 

Two days later, Aziraphale did and he remembered everything.

 

\-------------------

Aziraphale miracled the door open and rushed upstairs.

 

“Crowley! I’m back! I’m-” His words were cut short by Crowley’s unmoving body on top of their gray comforter. 

 

Aziraphale walked over and touched the scales on his husbands bareback, they, much like the rest of his body, were freezing. There was a note on the nightstand. Aziraphale picked it up and read through it.

 

Aziraphale,

 

Your demon’s punishment was to die knowing you don’t love him anymore. Your punishment is to live knowing he thought you didn’t love him till his last breath. You should’ve accepted death when you had the chance.

 

~Gabriel

 

Aziraphale was crying. He could not express his agony, for anything he did would not even be close to the pain he felt. Adam had once told him that he and Crowley shared a soul. Aziraphale had laughed but now that the yellow-eyed demon was gone, Aziraphale felt incomplete. 

 

He didn’t want to live like this.

He lost his other half. 

 

It truly was worse than death. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I understand if you hate me now.
> 
> *Update: Due to some requests (and my brother threatening to disown me) there will be more to this story. It's gonna be a (probably short) series. I hope you enjoy :)


End file.
